I’m just going to be very real and honest. I’m scared. I’d been feeling really anxious for a few days following the vipassana silent retreat. It was an interesting experience but maybe I wasn’t fully present because it doesn’t seem to have helped me. I left feeling more sadness and anger than before. After 100 hours of sitting with my thoughts and meditating. I drove to hull, MA to stay with my cousins is the house that was once my great grandparents. They were generous and welcoming but I found myself entering a bad head space. I was very worried about taxes and yet refused to pay someone to help me. So I filed myself. Then amended. I still don’t know if I did it right. But I tried to let go and let god. Whatever will happen. last night I took too much of a weed edible. At first I was having fun and relieved I could feel that way again after a long time of no intoxicants. But once we ordered our food at the restaurant, a huge wave of anxiety washed over me. I felt like I was drowning. I had to be real with my cousins and tell them what was going on. Caroline walked outside with me and helped me through it. I was able to eat some food and try and be present. But then it got worse again and I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m still really struggling. I don’t know what else to do except share this. I’m breathing. i took a shower. I made a call to a friend. I’m going to journal. I might walk to the beach. Maybe I can take a nap. I don’t know. I’m just feeling like I don’t belong in this world. I don’t know where I belong. With the faeries or something. I’ve been looking in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself. I feel like a stranger has taken over my brain. My body still feels like it’s mine but that’s it. I wish I was home so I could feel more grounded. I don’t even know if that would help. Tomorrow is Passover. The timing feels like a joke. I’m supposed to go and pretend that I’m ok? Or not? Maybe I’ll feel better by tomorrow night. I just don’t think I can handle much at the moment. Tonight I have tickets to symphony with my aunt and uncle. Maybe music will make me feel better. But this doesn’t feel ok. Not at all. But I’m an adult and I have to take care of myself. No one else can. Just me. But please pray for me.