I spent the weekend at a Jewish creativity retreat in Chester, NY. A huge Airbnb with a pool was rented for the occasion. I was hesitant to go because you never know with these events. Also I figured most people would be much more observant than myself, which was correct. I continue to be in the dark night of the soul and my soul needed some community and comfort. It was a good weekend. I knew some people from two previous retreats. The food was all kosher and was fairly repetitive. The schedule wasn’t well adhered to. But all in all, it was a nice weekend. I got to sing, paint, and meet some nice people. I arrived after a decently long drive. I immediately felt a bit left out because a group of girls had chosen to room together, leaving me with a woman who seemed quite unstable. She would approach a group of people and casually mention that her father had raped her at 17 and served 7 years in jail. I felt bad for her, but when she announced that, it naturally changed the whole mood of the conversation. I had to switch rooms. I moved my bed into a room with two other women. That was better for me.
Since the retreat, I have continued to feel a heavy sadness in my body. My appetite is weak. I have exercised occasionally but it doesn’t really help. I’ve spent hours at my yoga place and I’ll go back there tomorrow. I feel trapped on this earth. I know that sounds drastic, but that’s what it feels like. I realize I post happy pictures of myself, but it doesn’t last so long. It’s like going through a breakup and not trusting that I’ll be OK. I’m meeting with some more healers in the next week. My family is all at the beach in Massachusetts. I wish I was there, but I didn’t feel like I could be depressed around them. I wish family felt safe and nurturing, but it doesn’t. Until next time.