Hmm. My mind is acting up more than usual. I’ll remember something from the past and fixate on it. And in an OCD way, nothing will feel ok till the thought goes away. This week it was triggered by the costume institute gala at the Met. The costumes were amazing, but made me sad about the items that I had that are gone. A bill blass coat that I think I threw in the garbage. I don’t remember because I was leaving SF and I was so horribly depressed that I did what I needed to to get out of there. I moved back to NYC, which I also regret. I should have stayed away. This isn’t the place for me. Nothing about it is right. I’m grateful for my apartment and the accomplishments I’ve had in the last few years, but it feels like I’m not realizing my true potential. I need to be a writer in a beautiful place where it’s always beautiful and warm. I’m praying everything aligns and soon I’ll be on a road trip across the country.
I was very scared this week. My emotions were intense and I didn’t feel grounded or safe. I reached out to many people and on Facebook for support. I got it, but it also meant my parents got involved, which wasn’t helpful, as they are the cause of much of my suffering. What to do? Moving would help. But it needs to be more than that. I’m 39 years old. It’s time to live my own life and not react to family dynamics and dramas. I have to be my own loving parent now. I’m not sure what this looks like yet. My sister is leaving NY. I guess she has the right idea. What’s my path forward?
Yesterday I had a call about my book that provided a lot of insight. I want to write it for someone just like me. Someone who has been labeled “disordered,” but is really just different. More to say on that. Then I went to my yoga studio for a few hours. After that I went to a Shabbat service. I came home feeling depleted. I was going to go camping this weekend but it’s really hot and I don’t feel like driving for 2 hours for one night of camping. I’m not sure I even like camping…
So here I am, at home, trying to focus and rest. I haven’t been eating well, which sucks. I have to try harder to nourish my body. I do like my body, except for the scabs from skin picking. I have a great tan right now from my week in the Hamptons. I imagine a fabulous version of myself going to luncheons and parties, while this version just gets to rest for a while. I forgot how.