Wayfinder

Yesterday I went into Fairway, where I grew up getting groceries. I didn’t need anything, I just like walking around supermarkets. It’s strange, I admit. A man named Jerome approached me and introduced himself as a “wayfinder.” He even gave me a business card with the title printed on it. Fascinating. Someone to literally help you find your way! I need that! We had a lovely conversation that made it clear we were on the same page about a number of topics. It made me think about the all the encounters I have on a day to day basis. I relate so much to service people. People who are doing service for others. It’s such a noble thing. I’ve been listening to a recording called “the strangest secret in the world.” It makes total sense to me that you are what you think. And yet I muddy my mind with thoughts that people don’t love me and I must be worthless. Each day it’s pretty much the same. Looking for evidence that people don’t care about it. And then at some point I’m able to snap out of it. But by then, damage has been done and the shame has kicked in. It seems like a math problem I can’t solve. Why? It’s so simple isn’t it? Just don’t react. Just. Don’t. React. Wait until the feeling passes. But no, I am powerless over it, no matter how much I pray to god to get rid of this. It’s maddening. Other people with my diagnosis understand but no one else does. So I live in a crazy making state a lot of the time. That really affects me. Right now I’m on the m60 bus, going to meet my brother for a comedy show. I am excited. It will be a fun show and my brother is a good person. I want to ask him about himself and stay away from the mess in my head. I hope I can. I’m sick of talking about it and others are sick of hearing about it. He will listen attentively as he always does. But I don’t want it to be about me. I just don’t. The sun came out after the storm. So maybe I passed through the storm? I can’t tell yet. This bus is very crowded. More than usual. We are first going to a vegan restaurant, the food of our youth. We know tofu and seitan very well. I’ll come home and feel good until I wake up and it will all start over again. I’ll cry and I’ll pray and I’ll call some people. But in the end, I’m stuck with myself. Last night I thought more about Big Sur. I can see myself there, feeling confident and brave. Feeling capable and compelling. I look at myself in the mirror and I think I look good. My hair is thick and curly. My body is shapely and tan. I have a lot to offer. I’m smart and attractive. And yet, I sabotage myself with negative thoughts. You are what you think. You reap what you sow. God grant me the courage to think positively and stop blaming others for my unhappiness. It isn’t helping. It’s making it much worse. Grant me the wisdom to remind myself that this feeling shall pass and it’s a problem in my brain and nothing else. I am ok and I have what I need. I learned of some difficult things this week. Things I can’t share and must keep to myself. That’s hard. But if I keep being of service, I think it will get better. And more will be revealed at the proper time. Trust. And if not, another wayfinder will find me and show me the way.