Today‘s dress is from a floating market in Thailand. It’s a lot of fun to have boats going by, selling various wares. I saw these dresses and loved them. They’re very comfortable and flowy. The slippers are from Morocco. My parents got them for me. I’ve never been to Morocco but I’d like to go!
I spent the weekend at an ayahuasca retreat in NY. this type of psychedelic comes from Peru, but there are underground ceremonies in other places. I was referred by a friend of a friend, someone I’ve never met. Months went by before I decided I was ready for it. I’ve been on a journey of healing and recovery for many years now. I finally got to a breaking point, where I realized I couldn’t stay in the same place.
I went into this weekend’s retreat knowing it wouldn’t solve the problem, but I was hopeful that it would help. I didn’t know what to expect. I’d been observing the dieta, or preparation diet which consists of no sugar, salt, dairy, pork, shellfish, alcohol or red meat. I also had to give up weed. It wasn’t easy. Day after day I wake up with crippling anxiety. I signed up to work with a coach to figure out what was holding me back. There were so many projects I longed to work on and yet couldn’t manage to get anything going.
I started to meet the other partipants. I enjoy meeting new people, but I was overwhelmed. I wanted to know everything about them and for them to know about me, but where to start? How much to talk and how much to listen? When someone asks me what I do for work, I don’t know what to say. An Airbnb host and fashion blogger…I guess? One makes me a little money and one is a hobby. We had been instructed not to eat for a few hours before the ceremony and after a long drive, I was tired and hungry. I’d been warned about vomiting after drinking the plant medicine, but I wasn’t so worried about that. Throwing up doesn’t really faze me. Staying stuck does.
We gathered in a large room, each with our little space, on a mat, with blankets, in our comfy clothing. My matt was in the corner of the room, which I was happy about. Next to me was a new friend who I’d offered a hug to when she arrived frazzled after running over the dog bowl with her car.
The lights were dimmed. It was almost 10pm. The leader served each of us a small cup of the brew. I was the first of the participants to go. It was bitter, and I made the same face I make when drinking whisky. I sat upright, waiting for what came next. It was pitch black as we did our silent meditation. It was unsettling having no concept of time. It felt like hours went by before the chanting began. I didn’t feel anything and started to worry that I was the only one. I went up and got a second, smaller dose. Still, nothing. My intention for the ceremony had been to let go of fear and embrace my purpose. Maybe that was too big an intention? My thoughts raced. I started thinking about all the mistakes I’d made. All the bad decisions with ex boyfriends. All the negative self talk came out. It was relentless. I finally went into the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I gave myself a pep talk. You’re ok, I said out loud. I went back in the room and eventually fell asleep.
The next morning we had a basic breakfast of mushy porridge with bananas and gathered for our sharing circle. The 15 of us shared deeply personal things, myself included. Many of us cried. The rest of the day was pretty low key. It began to pour outside, so we chatted in small groups. I journaled. I tried to avoid social media but wasn’t able to. I showered and got ready for a yoga session that a group of us were doing. I don’t love yoga, but I feel proud of myself when I do it. My body seemed to need some deep stretching at least. I sat down and got ready for the second ceremony. At least now I knew what to expect. I was hoping for more of an effect, but I was ok if it didn’t happen. There was more excitement at least. More people purged, some loudly. One woman hysterically sobbed. I laughed a little. My intention was self love. That seemed like a good place to start. Although I didn’t see any visions or hallucinations, I was able to hold myself and tell myself that I’m ok. I’m protected. I’m loved. I’m strong. I’ll get through these challenges, one day at a time. Now I have to work on believing it.
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