Today‘s dress is so cute, but I can’t button it up by myself and there’s no one around to help! Ah well. My heart is still hurting a lot. I’ve never been patient or good at letting things heal. I’ve seen this firsthand with my skin picking compulsion. I try to control things but not letting them heal in their own time. But I’m learning. I grew up vegetarian (with some fish). My mother worked hard on nutrition and cooking. We were very well fed. But around 10 I discovered there was more. I came across meat. I liked it! I can’t remember the details. I think it was at McDonald’s with a relative who had forgotten I didn’t eat meat. It didn’t upset my stomach. It went straight to my heart. After that, I couldn’t forget about it. I wanted more. But there was a problem. My family didn’t eat meat and we didn’t have separate dishes for it either, according to the laws of kashrut. So I was stuck. My parents didn’t want to ban me from eating meat, but they truly didn’t know how to accommodate me in accordance with their beliefs. i went to summer camp and ate all the non kosher meat I wanted. Even on visitors day, when my parents came to camp, I was stuffing bacon into my face behind their backs. I didn’t feel bad. I felt like I’d found a loophole. Why would I “do the right thing?” It got even more complicated as I kept discovering more forbidden foods. Next it was shellfish. I went to France on a summer program and one night we had mussels and fries (moules frites). I was hooked. I came home and announced that I now ate mussels. My dad tried his best. He would make me pay for dinner items he didn’t approve of. He told me it was just a rebellious phase. But he, too, did it to his parents. Just the opposite way. He rejected their treif (non kosher) eating ways. It had come full circle. My dad told me it was a good discipline to be kosher. He had killed a bunch of chickens before decided not to eat meat anymore. My mother was just turned off by meat. I liked eating tofu, seitan and tempeh. But I wanted more. I always have. In preparing to drink ayahuasca, there’s a diet to follow. You abstain from eating pork, shellfish, sugar, salt, dairy. you also abstain from sexual release of any kind. It can be hard to follow these guidelines. But it’s a respect for one‘s body and for the medicine. It’s holy. So whey could I follow this dieta and not the one in my own faith? It’s a good question. I certainly like to push the limits and to see what happens. I’m always curious if the consequences are really that bad. God never struck me down for eating pork. But it did separate me from people I love and respect. Being kosher always seemed like a burden to me. It’s more expensive. It can be harder to find food. You have to explain it to others. But it’s a covenant with god. And we want that relationship with god. I’m not ready to be kosher, but i‘m willing to open my eyes to certain truths and a new experience. last night I wanted to go to a Shabbat dinner in my Astoria, queens community. According to CDC guidelines, I needed to wear a mask after my Covid diagnosis last week. I didn’t want to attend a dinner party with a mask on. I can’t stand masks. So I wasn’t going to go. I put on my llama onesie and settled in for the night. A generous friend at the dinner, helped me watch the service over Facebook video messenger. I really wanted to be there. It was about 10 minutes from my apartment. I put on my rainbow colored dress and went over. I finished the service in a homemade blueberry pattern mask, but I could hear my strong voice regardless. Afterwards, I asked if anyone would be uncomfortable if I removed my mask. I recently tested negative for Covid. It was ok with them. I had a great evening and met some lovely new people. I was honest and it all worked out. It gives me hope that I can continue to live this way. We also ate very delicious vegetarian food. It felt like home.