Today

I had a few really hard days and nights. I felt like I was having a panic attack and couldn’t breathe. I had dark thoughts. I reached out to some trusted people but it didn’t really help. I had to let the storm pass. My cousin came to be with me today and that has helped a lot. We are vacuuming the dog hair that’s around our aunts home. She also made me delicious matzah ball soup. I’m lucky to have some dear cousins who are always there for me. my family did a zoom Seder which was nice but also bittersweet. Seeing my siblings and niece and nephews faces also remind me that we aren’t together. That’s been a big sadness for much of this year. That my sister is moving and I don’t know what the future holds. I really want to trust god on this but I have a lot of fear. A lot. And resentment, which I know is just hurting me more. I did a loving kindness meditation earlier but im still just really fragile. my appetite hasn’t really come back for a few days. I know things could be worse and I should focus on the positives, but I’m a deep feeling person and I need to let myself feel all this stuff. So I am trying. I am listening. I am aware.