Theory

Today’s secondhand dress is from Theory. I remember when Theory came on the scene. It was sophisticated and cool. They mainly dealt with neutral colors, so I didn’t always go for it. But they do some pieces really well. I had a khaki trench coat that I absolutely loved. This dress is cute although I haven’t worn it much. I’ve written this before, but it really is strange to suddenly fit into things that just didn’t look as good before I lost nearly 30 pounds. I fluctuate a bit, but I’m pretty happy with my current weight. last night I had dinner with my siblings and their spouses. Because I have borderline personality disorder, I can be difficult to be around. For some people, anyway. as a result, last night was the first time we have ever had dinner together as a group of 5. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to it. I was worried I’d mess up and say the wrong thing. my sister and brother in law made a nice dinner, and I’m grateful to them for hosting. hopefully I can host everyone one day, although it seems impossible to get everyone to leave Brooklyn for queens, and my sister has two little kids. My brother brought really nice donuts from Dough. It was sweet to see my niece and nephew. I’m glad we all got together and I hope we can do it again and it won’t feel like such a big deal. It’s my family, after all. I wish I didn’t feel like the odd one out. Or the crazy one. The unemployed one. The poor one. the one who lives in queens and not Brooklyn. But this is what my disorder wants me to feel—bad. It wants me to be hard on myself and feel like no one loves me or wants to be around me. but some people do want to be around me. I don’t always know why. Maybe I’m easier around them. Or I show a different side. Today I fly to LA and on Monday traveling to Big Sur with one of my closest friends. We are going to a retreat at Esalen, a magical and healing place. This friend has always been there for me. He picked me up from the airport when I moved from Sydney to San Francisco. I had no real plan, and he let me stay with him for 3 weeks! He cooked for me and took care of me, when I was heartbroken and could barely walk because of stress induced back pain. He’s introduced me to alternative medicines and treatments. To Janet Stone Yoga. To many books. He taught me about skin care when we were 16, in Paris. He took me to Louis Boston, and then I started working there. He has never given up on me. I had hoped we’d live in the same city again, but he bought a dreamy home in LA, so I’ll just have to keep visiting. I can’t believe I get to spend all next week in a gorgeous place with someone I love, who gets me and appreciates me for who I am. What a gift. I just want to hold onto this feeling as long as I can. I am connected to many people on social media who have BPD. I see so much pain. I see people who want to give up. I see myself more often than not. The main thing that’s helped me through the hard times is being able to carry a message of hope to others. We help each other. We recover together. We didn’t ask for this. Who would? But I see the magic in every person who has BPD—every single one. I found a new therapist this week. She’s actually my friend‘s therapist and I’m so grateful to have found her. She’s going to help me, I know it. Today she texted me, “safe travels.” I was so touched. I’m building a strong team of people who will help me succeed in my dreams. I also have my coach, Alicia. I did a comedy workshop with her today and it was awesome! I’m going to start going to open mics and trying out material. I will push myself to share my stories—the funny, embarrassing, shameful, sad, resilient truth of who I am. Because it took 38 years to get here and I’m not turning back.