It’s Sunday again. It’s a nice sunny day. I usually go into Manhattan to see my therapist, Helen. She’s about my dad‘s age and I like her a lot. I was deciding between a few therapists, but I feel the safest with her. She’s also Jewish and I think that helps. Today hasn’t been the best. I woke up early because my neighbor wanted to get coffee. But it was 7:45 and I wasn’t up for it. I tired to go back to sleep. I had a 12 step meeting at 11 and I went to that. Then I listened to some meditation and talked on the phone. And showered. Then I called my brother. I was supposed to see him in person but I cancelled it. I just want to be near home as much as I can. Going into the city is added stress that my frazzled nervous system can’t take. So instead we talked on the phone. It didn’t go well. He felt I was attacking him and I felt he was being defensive. Ultimately I just want to hear love from people in my family, but I don’t always. I wonder if that’s the disorder or not. He said he has to look out for himself and he’s right. I would like some more of his time, but he doesn’t want to give it. I’m not sure what he wants. I asked. I’d love it if he came to see Helen with me, but he is resistant. My condition affects our whole family, not just me. and I can hear til kingdom come what a terrible illness I have, but it doesn’t change it. I still have it and I’m also still here, fighting every day for my happiness and recovery. I hope and pray so much that my family will be in a better place. I hope it happens before my parents get so old that they can’t move as easily. These are such precious years and I hope that god blesses our family with happy memories. Because it just makes me want to cry. I do cry over it. My brother had a look on his face that was so…angry I guess. There was no joy. There was blame and built. I’m sure I deserved it. But even so, can’t we keep trying? Just to say we did?
Im trying to be home as much as I can this summer. Traveling doesn’t feel like a good idea. What if I’m just depressed somewhere else? But I have some really good friends in Toronto and I’d like to drive there. I’m thinking June 6-20. something like that. Get to really spend time with those I love.
i haven’t really eaten today. I got such good salmon but I’m just not interested. I got a few energy drinks. I’m sitting outside and watching people walk by. I took a klonopin earlier to calm my nerves, but I don’t think it helped. I’m not sure what does help other than getting outside as much as I can. I really want to get into a psychedelic research study. I wrote a woman named Rachel Yehuda an email. I hope she gets back to me.