Today’s dress is my choir uniform. It’s usually worn with pearls. I like it, and wonder if I’ll get to wear it again.
When I moved back to NYC after the devastation of my life in San Francisco, I needed more meaning in my life. I have always been a singer, and I heard about a Women’s choral group called the SoHarmoniums. It was closely connected to the Young People’s Chorus that I was in from age 11-18. The conductor of that choir is married to the conductor of the SoHarmoniums, and they often work together. There were some other alums of YPC in the choir already. The rehearsals took place each Thursday from 7-10pm, with a potluck meal at the beginning. They were held in a gorgeous SoHo loft apartment that had once belonged to Meg Ryan (hence the name SoHarmoniums). I loved heading to SoHo and singing with the group. We sang all sorts of pieces, and performed twice a year. My family came to the concerts and sometimes my friends. We had holiday pieces and also songs in other languages. Sometimes there was an accompanying dance or movement. The choir was made up of about 60 women, ages 20s until…80s maybe? I enjoyed getting to know so many different women, of all backgrounds, coming together through music. We had a brilliant pianist. Each week, a different few members would bring a dish for the potluck, which was also very enjoyable. Once I got to go on a day long retreat at the founder’s country home in Garrison, NY. We ate, swam and sang.
When Covid hit, the choir began meeting virtually. I didn’t like it that much. We began submitting videos of ourselves singing, which would then be merged into a professional piece of work. We did this for Carol King’s “You’ve Got a Friend.” My ex, Tim, helped me record the video as I ran along Nantasket Beach in May 2020. I had taken him there, but no family would really see us because of health concerns. It was sort of a lonely visit. Soon after, I decided not to return for another virtual singing semester. More time passed and I missed singing, but I wasn’t ready to try the format again. Then Tim broke up with me. I met Sam soon after. I didn’t know how to handle the rapid change. I missed Tim, but I was happy getting to know Sam. Tim and I were in touch and it seemed amicable. I was confused. I asked Tim, “what should I do with these loving feelings I have for you?”
“Channel it into finding me a new ladyfriend,” he texted back.
“I want to.”
“Do it, jerk.”
His pet name for me was jerk. That’s saying a lot, right? I didn’t like it, but he refused to stop, and I got used to it eventually. My boyfriend “lovingly” called me jerk.
I thought of who I could set Tim up with. Rebekkah, my friend from SoHarmoniums came to mind. She and I had gotten pretty close during the pandemic, meeting up a few times in the city and in queens. One time she went to dinner at a Greek restaurant with Tim and I, just the three of us. She was divorced and younger than me. She seemed to have more in common with Tim than I did. She was into football, loved dogs, and was also into drinking. I suggested it to her and at first she shrugged it off, saying it would be weird. She had been to his apartment in Brooklyn, just a week before we broke up. We’d gone to his favorite bar, and afterwards came back to his place with her and a few of his friends. We drank, danced and laughed. At one point she passed out on his couch and he ordered her an Uber home. I thought it was a little inappropriate. She was an adult and should have been able to take care of herself. He promised me he didn’t want to sleep with her. I hadn’t even thought of that, so it irked me when he said it.
A few days after he asked me to find him a new girlfriend, Tim and I texted again. I mentioned that Rebekkah missed hanging out with his bar crew.
“Tell her she made quite an impression on everyone. If she’s looking for male attention, I humbly put my name in for consideration.”
OK. He’d said it. And I had a new boyfriend who was already living with me. So why not? Couldn’t we all be friends and it would be fine? This is really how my mind works. Also, if it worked out between them, I’d be a hero.
I messaged Rebekkah and gave Tim her number. At the time I really felt OK about it. I had found my guy (or so I thought) and wanted to spread the love.
Things quickly got weird. Rebekkah and I had been doing virtual yoga together day since Tim and I broke up. I’d leaned on her and told her confidential things, like reading Tim’s texts the day we broke up (never another time). I had found a text from his mother letting him know she didn’t feel I was careful around Covid during our thanksgiving visit. I had seen two friends and taken Ubers to get around that week. I was surprised. I had been careful. But it didn’t matter. “I’m sorry mom.” He wrote. “I should have stopped it.” Stopped it? He knew I was seeing friends! At the time I was furious, but when he broke up with me that night, I kept wondering if that was part of the reason. But I would never have brought it up.
The next day, Rebekkah messaged that she was tired. She was so excited about just one conversation with Tim, that she was unable to sleep. She was not shy about her budding interest. At first she said she was only interested in something casual, but that quickly changed. I had become uncomfortable, but I’d done it to myself, and I wanted that feeling gone. I went on a solo trip to Puerto Rico. Rebekkah had slept with Tim and was gushing even more. “He’s so wonderful!” She also mentioned they had a rule not to talk about me. That made sense, but it still stung. Eventually I texted him. He still had some of my things at his apartment. He wrote back a cold reply, asking not to message him again or I’d be blocked. I called Rebekkah, asking what was wrong. “This is between you two,” she said. “But he means it. If you text him again, he will block you.” What? I was confused. I’d just found him a new woman to date, and now I was being blocked. I spent the next few days feeling sad, trying to understand what had happened. I tried to focus on Sam. He was my future now. Who cared about Tim. When I got back to NYC, I messaged Xannie, a friend of Rebekkah’s who is a BPD advocate with an Instagram presence. She and I had become friends too, although she was based in Albuquerque. She’d even invited me to her wedding. I begged her to tell me what she knew. She revealed that Rebekkah had told him about me reading his texts. Wow. A betrayal. I called rebekkah and screamed into the phone. There was no friendship left. It was over. Sam had heard me yelling about Tim and was understandably upset. I had to explain myself to him too. I didn’t think about it too much for a while. But after Sam and I broke up in February 2021, I texted Tim, just to check in. He was polite but firm about not being in touch. The next day Rebekkah messaged me to see if I was OK. Great, I thought. Tim had told her. Months went by and I found myself on Tim’s HBO Max account. Rebekkah’s nickname, 2K, was on there. I knew they were still together. The night he broke up with me, he removed me from all his accounts. It felt weird. Their relationship had survived and I had no access to either of them.
Which brings me to today. Today is the first in person Soharmoniums concert in two years. I am going. I assume I’ll see Rebekkah on stage and Tim in the audience. I’ll probably see them together after the show. I think it will be awkward, but I’m willing to face it and move on with my life. I care about the group enough to deal with whatever happens.
We all make decisions and I made the ones I did at the time. I might have waited longer to set tim up. I might not have set him up at all. I might still be friends with both of them. But this is how it worked out, for better or worse. I think for better. Who needs friends like that anyways. I wish them well and hope when people ask how they met, they can think of me with some gratitude.