Today would be Robin Williams 71st birthday. He was just a little older than my dad. I know his birthday is today because my friend told me. Robin is her higher power. He helps guide her. She has shared this with me and I find it very comforting to know that Robin is looking after us both.
The last 2 days were really difficult. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop the avalanche of intense emotions. I cried a lot and I reached out for help. It all felt like too much as I sobbed, asking God why this was happening. I know this is part of my transformation into the next chapter in my life. The problem is I don’t always trust God. I want to know more and wait less. Change is happening in my family and it’s uncomfortable. My sister is moving. And maybe my parents will move also. Otherwise how will they see the grandkids enough? I asked my mother to post about me on Instagram but she said no. I told her it would make me feel loved, but she wouldn’t do it. Ok, so I have no control over her. My disorder tells me I’m not loved. That I’m worthless and I should just kill myself. It’s my job to work on not listening to that and instead choosing to believe that I am alright. I can believe this more when I’m living in my truth, like exercising, singing or writing. I wake up and try to get outside quickly. The sun overwhelms me. It taunts me by saying, “if you don’t make the most of this beautiful day, you’re wasting your time.” So I go outside for a while. Usually in a bikini. There’s a woman on my street who wears a mask outside at all times. She coordinates the color with her outfit. I avoid her. I know more of the neighbors because I’m outside so much. I’d go to the pool or the beach, but I like having easy access to my home. I also heard the beaches are closed due to sharks.
I’m having difficulty with family. I think the pandemic pushed me further away from them. It hurts. I also think being an addict is something they can’t understand, so I have to have compassion for them. I hope when my book is available, they’ll better understand the hell I have gone through and that I haven’t chosen to be difficult. But maybe not. I’m powerless over that too. I just pray that I will feel accepted and loved by myself in the near future. Because my inner child is pretty frustrated with me. I am not protecting her.
Yesterday was my niece’s birthday. I wonder what my relationship with her will be like. I hope she has a very happy life.