I don’t have a new dress to post today. I did sell a pair of Sigerson Morrison shoes this week. For $20. But I had no use for them anymore.
things have been very up and down in my mind lately. One minute I feel pretty good, ready to take on whatever comes my way. And other times, I feel like a victim, defeated and depleted of my energy. I have to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to god. I can’t do it. I can’t play god.
last night I decided to stay home and work on my writing. Who has time for writing, right? Then I noticed I’d been blocked from my BPD Facebook support group. the founder and I had become friendly over the last few months. I really loved the group and I’d recently become a moderator. I’d never had any training, but it seemed I was supposed to accept new members into the group, as long as they answered our questions, which were simple. to see that I’d been blocked by this woman on every single platform, even TikTok and Instagram, stunned me. What had I done wrong? I had no clue. I sat there hoping it was a mistake, but it clearly wasn’t since she had taken the effort to block me everywhere. I reached out to another member of the community. my chest got tight. I didn’t cry, but I felt an extreme sense of unworthiness and rejection. And from someone who knows how this disorder affects us. i was told that I wasn’t supposed to be admitting new members. I hadn’t known. But it didn’t matter. She has made up her mind. Only black or white. No gray. No room for explanation or forgiveness for an honest mistake. I became angry. Who does she think she is? Why is someone so unstable running a group for BPD with 30,000 members? I felt sick. But still a lot of rejection and fear. I just started listening to “radical acceptance” by Tara Brach. I don’t feel equipped to explain it just yet, but I clearly need to practice it. Because life happens and we have to stay true to ourselves, right? We can’t let everyone have a piece of us and have nothing left when they leave us. Today is my brother in laws birthday. he blocked me on his phone a few months ago. I have all sorts of stories in my head about what he thinks of me. And I know what I think of him. And I know that if he wrote me a nice message, I would be thrilled. But I don’t see it happening and I have to be ok with that. I wrote him a simple email, wishing him a happy birthday. That’s it. And I don’t think he will respond. But I acted from love and that is true to who I am.