Purple

I like the color purple. I don’t know if it’s my favorite color, but I gravitate towards it. Today I saw a little purple smart car and it made me miss my car. I’ve been gone over 2 weeks now. Today’s dress is purple. it’s soft. It’s vintage. I remember wearing it almost a year ago when I met tim’s family. Even though I don’t miss being with him, I think the year anniversary approaching of when we broke up has hit me a little harder lately. Recently I’ve taken on some new commitments and it’s stressing me out. It’s all things I want to be doing and need to be doing, but they are not easy to do. so last night I sobbed for a while and felt hopeless and worthless. I also spent time with two people in their late 90s (yes, you read that right). I was impressed by their sharpness but also felt like there could be so much more life to live and do I want that? It’s probably the depression speaking, but life feels really bad lately. Why would I want to be so old that i’d need help going to the bathroom or getting anywhere by myself? Am I the only one who feels this way? My grandfather in australia is 96 and I haven’t talked to him in a long time. I don’t know how he’s doing. Sometimes I ask my mother and it never sounds great. When does life get better? What do I have to do to make it easier? Make money? Find love? Move into my dream home? Find a project that keeps me busy? What will make me feel worthy of good things? My friend Julia just started working in a kitchen and she seems happy. It isn’t what she planned. It wasn’t her dream. But she feels useful and not obsessing over the last guy she dated. I finally feel over some of my distractions behaviors, but now I have to fill my time with healthy things and it feels so uncomfortable. I just want to hide and avoid myself because I hate this process. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to go through this. it‘s like I’m going from a caterpillar to a butterfly but I don’t have my wings yet and I’m in this awkward and ugly phase where I’m neither one. im in the in between place. So all I can do at this moment is continue to post pictures of dresses and try and remind myself that things will improve. Because earlier tonight I really didn’t believe that. I even texted the crisis hotline. i know everyone goes through their own hard stuff and not everyone shares it as openly as I do, but I really feel drained right now. and I have no idea if being home again tomorrow night will help or not. I’ll miss the sound of the ocean outside though.