Perfectionism

Today’s dress is Lily Pulitzer. I found it at a second hand shop in williamsburg. It’s a good fall dress and really comfortable. The pattern and colors feel very “lily” to me. As I was listening to today’s meditation on the Calm App, I realized how much of a perfectionist I am. I am really hard on myself, and others, when things don’t go according to the plan in my head. I despise last minute changes. I hate when things go missing. a bad meal at a restaurant feels like a failure to me. It could be a big thing or it could be small. Last night my friend and handyman was over to help me put in a new light fixture that I’ve been excited about. we had already worked hard on this. It arrived black and we spray painted it gold. It’s been a process. when I discovered 2 important pieces had gone missing, I felt really sad. I immediately wondered whose “fault” it might be. Had I lost them or had he? It didn’t matter. Neither would bring me peace and it wouldn’t solve the problem. I now have a hole in my ceiling and no light fixture. but I know this is temporary and one way or another, there will be a solution, even if I have to buy a new fixture. it will be ok. But this is so hard for me! I obsess, and worry, and punish myself in my head. It can ruin a day, or days for me. It’s unnecessary torture, and I hope by writing about it, I can let go of some of it. Be gone, useless worry! Not today! I have other worries and obsessions too, of course. It’s my brothers wedding weekend and I hope everyone has a really nice time. Weddings have always been hard for me. I’m rarely in a relationship, and if I am, weddings point out what I want but don‘t have. It sucks, because id like to only feel the positive feelings about the person getting married and how they have arrived at this moment. The same way I’d love people to feel joy if I get married one day. But it’s a real effort to pull myself out of the “relationships always end” mentality and become a believer again, even for a weekend. But that’s my mission this weekend, to celebrate my brother and his wife and contribute in any way I can. May it be so.