Pendleton

I’d heard about Pendleton but never owned anything from the brand. That changed when I went to the Berkshires and found this wool skirt. and it fit! I paired it with a Rebecca Taylor Jacket that my mother gave me from her collection. It had a matching skirt but I got rid of that for some reason. I felt a little bad breaking up a set, but this seems to work also. this past weekend wasn’t my favorite. A lot of emotions came up and I felt myself crying a lot. I’ve been reaching out to friends. some can hold space for my sadness and some can’t. I’m trying to stay present and focus on writing and the things I can control. I’m nervous to leave my apartment this week because it’s a safe space for me. I think I’d anyone asks me how I’m doing at thanksgiving I’ll burst into tears. I know this will pass. I know that. But I feel I have to be really honest right now. many People I know are having a hard time. I see it in my groups and at my meetings. This world is not an easy or supportive place for those of us with mental health issues and addictions. We have to hide a lot. I don’t want to hide anymore. I got asked to promote an affirmations app called self pause. In exchange for the promotion I get a year free. I’m excited to try it. I think affirmations will really help me with my self love practice. I also found another BPD support Group that meets weekly. I’m starting to create more of a schedule for myself. When I get back next week it will be Chanukah already. It’s a time of miracles and I’m really praying for that. I’m also going to look into going back on medication. I thought I would try life without it, but it doesn’t seem to be going so well. I was worried about side effects but I’m going to take a chance. Last night in my embodied writing class, I wrote a vulnerable piece about thanksgiving and what it has meant to be over the years. I’ll probably share more this week on that. The last time I saw my grandpa before he got sick with brain cancer was thanksgiving 2007. He died less than a year later. I came for a visit from Australia, but I wasn’t in a good place. I’d been dumped by someone and breakups feel earth shatteringly bad to me. I wish I could have been more present that year. When I got back to Australia, but boss started abusing me. I think of all the hard times I’ve weathered and this one isn’t even as bad, it just feels heavy to me. I think it’s also the weight of the pandemic. It feels like a trauma we’ve all had to go through. Our world is different now. I can barely understand people when they have a Mask on. I still don’t wear one unless I absolutely have to. Today I saw a letter had arrived for my last boyfriend, who briefly lived at my apartment. It wasn’t sealed and I opened it to send to him. It was about his court appearance, since he got arrested in February. It all seems fine now. I sent it to him and he wrote back “thanks!” It was enough. but it still feels weird sometimes to think about how close we got in a short period of time and now he’s like a stranger. I wish him well, but I don’t see him being in my life anymore. I always want to hold onto people, but if they’re out of my life, I assume it’s for a reason. And forcing things doesn’t work. I’ll take today to clean up my apartment and get ready for a week away. Wish me luck.