Mornings

Good morning. I don’t enjoy mornings. I used to try and avoid them altogether by sleeping. But that wasn’t good for me. I’ve had so many different routines in my life. But I’ve never really appreciated the morning. It feels threatening. Like if I don’t get enough done, then I’ve wasted it. Today I woke up around 8am, but I stayed in bed, breathing and listening to meditations. It’s 10:18 and I’m still in bed, but in my guest bedroom. I thought a change of scenery would help. I still have to shower. I got my period a few days early. I haven’t eaten yet today. I need to buy groceries. I need to write. I need to do a lot. But mainly I need to listen to what my body is telling me. Because that’s what matters right now. I’ve recently been going through a traumatic experience. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but I know I lost my will to live. It has been scary. I am slowly coming back into myself and into the world. the weekend was ok. I spent time with my mom and with my sister and her family. But seeing everyone in the neighborhood with a baby was triggering. Part of my fear is that I’m a failure who hasn’t accomplished anything. I can see that’s not true and people’s lives look many different ways. But when I look at myself and see that I have no partner, no kids, no career, and not much money, living off government assistance, I feel badly about where I am. It’s true I have a nice place to live and many friends and family members who care about me. But I know I need to do things that make me feel worthwhile. I’m not sure if that’s a part time job. Or if it’s volunteering. Or continuing to write and finish the book I’ve been working on. Or maybe a combination of all of it. I’ve tried being busy and I’ve tried being less busy. I’ve tried lots of 12 step meetings and therapy. I’ve tried plant medicine and 10 days on being silent in the woods. Nothing is a magical cure. I wish it was. I know I’m strong but I so badly want to be taken care of right now. I want to be held. I want to be warm. I want to feel safe. So much is happening in our world. Some things are awesome and others are tragic. Social media has been triggering for me because I am always comparing myself. The travel was fun but last October it stopped being fun. Everywhere I went, except for healing places like esalen and rythmia, began to make me feel worse. What was I doing? Running away. Today I lie here in bed, humbled. That anyone reads this. That anyone cares. That it’s never too late to keep going. I talked to a fellow skin picker who is 65 and she is finally feeling free. Right now I don’t feel that way. But I can’t wait to report when I do.