Today’s dress is from Madrid the other week! I love it. I went to a little vintage shop and it’s the only thing I left with. Tonight is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. I took this from Wikipedia:
Kol Nidrei is written in Aramaic, not Hebrew. Its name is taken from the opening words, meaning "all vows". The formula proactively annuls any personal or religious oaths or prohibitions made upon oneself to God for the next year, so as to preemptively avoid the sin of breaking vows made to God which cannot be or are not upheld.
ive been thinking a lot about growth and change and this is what I came up with. This last Jewish calendar year has been a trip…literally (for more on that you can listen to my podcast episode of beautiful/anonymous). I have sinned a great deal. I have pushed away some of the people I care most about. I argued with people about covid. I didn’t follow the rules (when do I ever). I was stubborn and arrogant. I was angry. I was ashamed. I numbed my pain with shopping and weed.
But this year also brought major growth and the abundance that I’ve always known. I started my blog. I adjusted my diet and changed my body. I tried different treatments and therapies. I bought a purple car and became a driver. I took risks. I spoke at a major conference for BPD. I welcomed many people into my home through Airbnb. I made many new friends, who understand the struggle and walk alongside me, holding my hand. I attended 12 step meetings on zoom for a variety of addictive behaviors.
Change isn’t easy. Through it all, I obsess. I cry. I yell. I curse.
As the serenity prayer says, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I will keep trying to do better. I will fail and I will try again. Letting go and acceptance are my practices and challenges. Vulnerability and honesty are my gifts and contributions so that no one feels alone. We are ALL suffering. We are ALL traumatized. Use it for good and for connection to others. That is the human experience. Not all this other superficial crap. Lean in this Yom Kippur. Meet yourself. Beat your chest and let the tears fall.
I am truly sorry for the hurt I caused, knowingly and unknowingly. It keeps me up at night sometimes. I honor the path of my ancestors and all the miracles it took to even be created (the meaning of my name). To arrive at this moment in time, here in Budapest with my dear father. I am blessed to see and be part of the life he has created here.
May you have a meaningful and easy fast and be inscribed in the book of life for the next year. G’mar chatima tova.
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