In the darkness

I had another difficult day of feeling in the darkness. I got some nice messages and support, but I couldn’t snap out of it the whole day. I woke up feeling dead inside. I think I even yelled out, “fuck! I don’t want to be here and i don’t want to do this day.” this guy came over to help me with the podcast, but my computer didn’t even have room for the software I need. And then I noticed I’d deleted the software to make more room for photos. So I basically wasted this guy‘s time. But he was nice about it. I’ll try again. I felt like a tech moron. How hard can this be? I’m still pretty scared to drive since my accident. I cry a lot. I wouldn’t say life is going smoothly or well. Every so often something good happens and I feel better. But it’s temporary. I’m still not sure what my soul’s mission is, but I’m probably not doing it. I’m going to try and get myself to an open mic and see how that goes. I’ll tell the acid trip story. last week Rachel ended our friendship because it’s too weird to be friends with your brother in law‘s ex girlfriend. I miss her, but I get it. If im sharing personal stories about him, it’s too hard for her to be around that. But it feels like a bit of a relief too. One less person to worry about making it work with. Yesterday I saw a friend who reminded me that I haven’t pushed him away yet. It’s only a matter of time, I thought. Only a matter of time. I don’t want to let this disorder win, but some days I don’t have the energy to fight the demon that lives inside my brain and tells me none of this is worth it.