God is in the Pause

Dear readers, I know I’ve gotten pretty spiritual lately. I’m in the process of developing my relationship with God. As someone who struggles with obsessive thinking and mental illness, I’ve tried to control others and not trusted the mysterious ways of the universe. It seems to uncertain to me. But after a number of events and journeys that have taken place, mostly in the last year, I see that I am not the one in the driver’s seat. This has been humbling and sometimes even scary. Who is this God and what does she/he/it want from me? Why am I here in this body and this time? It feels crazy. I feel connected to my ancestors but I want more answers. I don’t like waiting. I am getting the answers in exactly the right time, even if it’s not on my time. I’ve heard a lot of recovery phrases lately. One I really like is “god is in the pause.” So tonight I’m taking a pause. I’m staying home instead of going to my usual Shabbat dinner. I need time to write and also rest. I volunteered at yoga today and something happened that I keep replaying in my head. Growing up, I flat out refused to help out during my family Shabbat dinners. I wouldn’t load the dishwasher or really do anything helpful. I can’t really say why. I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like I should have to. It was arrogant and entitled. it angered my parents and my siblings. They felt defeated and gave up. But I paid a heavy price. not only did it take me years to understand the value of cleaning, but contributing in general has been hard for me. What does it mean to be a generous person, with money or with time? Homeless people have been begging in the subway a lot lately. Sometimes I give some money and sometimes I don’t. I don’t have a method for deciding when to give. it’s just a feeling. today I was asked to clean the bathroom at the yoga studio. As soon as I heard that this was today’s assignment, my mind went to, “gross. That kind of sucks.” But then it went to “oh good, you need this today. You need to clean a bathroom and get out of your head.” I started cleaning. The director of the center and another board member came into the office. I got a little distracted but continued to clean. I put on gloves and really got some of the grime off the floor. Then I chatted a little with the women there. Everyone there is fascinating. I love the stories of how people ended up at the Integral Yoga Institute. Even my own story is pretty cool. My friend Tod found it for me and offered to pay for private lessons. But I saw I could be of service in exchange for a lesson and it has felt very rewarding so far. After cleaning the bathroom, I saw I had a missed call from a potential sponsee in my SLAA program. As I cleaned the stairwell, I made the call. It was the wrong choice. People passed me as I awkwardly tried to balance the phone and the broom. Instead of saying hi, I think it made people feel uncomfortable. I was having a private conversation in a public area. Then one of the swamis passed by. I’d never met him, but I could feel his energy. He thanked me for my service. I smiled and said thank you, but then quickly returned to my call and he continued on his way. after I finished sweeping and ended the call, I couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling. It wasn’t the worst thing, but it didn’t feel right. I was volunteering and I did the same thing I’ve done at so many jobs in the past. I put my own needs first. I wanted to apologize to the swami. I didn’t want to make that kind of first impression, of a distracted self absorbed woman in a stairwell. I found his Facebook page and wrote him a note. he responded pretty quickly and said it was alright and my smile was all the acknowledgement he needed. I still feel a little off from the experience and I hope I can do better next time. I can’t have my phone near me when I’m there. It’s a gift to be able to serve and I want to be fully present. I want to be present in everything I do, but I find it difficult. I’ll keep practicing. Tonight is the full moon in Virgo. I want to set my intention to be present in the moment. I’d like to set myself free from the mind prison of the past and the uncertainty of the future. I just want to live in the now and not steal more precious moments from myself or others. And so it is. Amen.