Friday the 13th

I guess today has always had a creepy vibe. it’s a sunny day here in NYC and I woke up and did my meditation with a guy named Brian. He’s very kind and offers all of it for free. He told me at night to say to myself, “I am so confident that things are going to turn around for me.” I forgot to say it the second night. Do I believe it? I’m not sure. I feel a heaviness I haven’t felt in a long time. I don’t know how else to explain it. Like a dark shadow that follows me around. I want to feel light and happy. I really do try! I went to the park yesterday, for hours. Just sitting on the grass. I made a nice dinner for my sister and I. But today I can’t eat. Again. Tonight there’s a gospel concert at my old high school. I don’t want life to pass me by. I really don’t. But when you’re caught in the weeds, it’s hard to get out. The negative thoughts starts to multiply. I can’t do it. It’s not worth it. I won’t be happy. I wont meet anyone. I’m not safe. I’m too old. I can’t work. I’m too scared. I’m not enough. Pretty creepy thoughts for Friday the 13th…