I’ve been in a dark place. when it’s like this, it feels like it will never end. it will never get better. I want to give up, whatever that means. But then I pick myself up and force myself to go and do something. in this case it was an odd 4th of July party. It wasn’t a total waste, but it wasn’t all that great either! But I did meet some good people, and my 2 friends and I went for Thai food once we realized the end didn’t really deliver on the promised appetizers. I think the key to life is to find the people who are on the same frequency as you and stick with those people. The others just can’t relate. It’s not their fault. It hurts and it sucks and I’ve cried many tears, asking God why I’m being punished like this. Does god want me to suffer? Tonight some old dude told me to take out my nose ring. I don’t even know why. I got that piercing when I was just 15 years old. this dress is either from Istanbul or Thailand and I don’t know which one. Both were good trips. Istanbul was more interesting. I got fresh fish sandwiches. Literally a piece of fish on some bread. And it was amazing. Thailand was more predictable. I liked it but it wasn’t astounding. I like this dress. It fits well and the color is nice. I remember wearing it when Isaac was just a few weeks old. it’s hard to imagine having a new niece or nephew soon. I don’t even know if I’m a good aunt. I screwed up last weekend and left Isaac by the water at the beach. I thought he would follow me, but instead I got an angry word from my sister. I felt bad, but I think I have to admit that I’m very much a work in progress. I’m capable, but I’m also not everyone’s cup of tea. It’s humbling and it’s real. Whatever God wants me to be. whoever god wants me to be…that’s all I can offer. I can’t paint a better picture than that. and why should i try to? I’m the girl with a lot of dresses and unstable relationships. I’m the girl with a broken self image but I keep making it work. I’m the girl who would rather live in queens and let strangers sleep in her home. I’m the one they’ll never understand. someday, somehow, it will make sense. until then, I’ll keep crying and posting dresses, hoping I can give myself the validation I constantly crave.
happy 4th of July. may we find peace.
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