Diwali

Today is Diwali. Today’s dress is just a casual navy dress. I bought it almost a year ago when my life looked different! I feel like I looked different, but I’m not sure how. People still think I look young and I don’t know why. What is young looking about me? Should I take it as a compliment because looking old is bad? Or just not as good. Will I look older with more stress? last year I stopped dying my hair. I have a few grays but they’re not noticeable. I’m a skin picker so I always have a face scab or a few, but I try to cover it with makeup when it’s worse.

anyway, today is about Diwali. Sort of. Last year at this time I was dating Covid ex 1. He has a wealthy older sister who lives in westchester. In a huge house with lots of fancy art (even a banksy!). as you can imagine, I loved going there. We would get to eat an $800 box of sashimi each time! I’m not saying these prices to brag. I hadn’t seen money spent like that so close in my orbit I guess. My dad mingles with very wealthy people sometimes, but this was my boyfriend‘s sister. And I really liked her. She was so smart and interesting. She had dated a man who then became a woman. I really adored her to be honest. she was very generous also. But still, there was weird no stuff in that family. She ordered 60 masks from me, and that was cool. Her husband is Indian and his parents live in the house next door. They have a compound! they always do something for Diwali. In order to go, we had to be Covid tested twice, a few days apart, by a nurse at my ex’s apartment. vaccines weren’t out yet. Some of their cousins etc were there too. Really nice people. I felt like I wanted to be there more than I wanted to be with my bf. But I tried to push that feeling away. I did care about him a lot, but things were clearly winding down. He’s still with my friend who I set him up with…so karmically I think we’re ok. diwali was fun. I think it was more toned down due to Covid, but I didn’t know differently. The mother in law made Indian food, but I didn’t love it and felt super guilty. Once she made a pancake with thick goopy wet cheese. They all thought it was delicious, but there was no way I could eat that. So I said it was a keto thing and shoved it on my bfs plate. I ate the leftovers from the night before instead (The $800 veggie meal). she gave me bags of vegan jerky to take home. During Covid she had bought a small supermarket‘s worth of stuff in case the apocalypse happened. It was a little hard to see so much food in one persons home when others were struggling. But that’s the way it goes. I still have the vegan jerky. It’s not that good and it’s tinged with memories. I’ll probably donate it.