Cuffing Season

If you’re single, you might know what this means. It’s the period before the winter when people try to couple up so they don’t have to face winter alone. I relate to this. I don’t like to face most things alone. Last December when I was dumped after thanksgiving, I freaked out about being alone. I went to the extreme and found a guy who was living with his parents and thought I had it all figured out. He’d live with me and everything would be awesome! And sometimes it was pretty great. I was happy, but mainly when he’d get home from work and I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. I wasn’t doing very much and had little to report on how my day went. I would feel anxiety building as the hours passed. I still miss that time. I know it had to end, but it feels like I’m waiting for the next chapter to start—the next project, man, trip, whatever. And it’s not true. I don’t have to wait for anything. I have to create my own magic. But it’s hard. I sit around, not wanting to commit to much, not being excited to eat a meal in my home, alone. The blog hasn’t felt so exciting to me lately either. Maybe I hit a slump. today‘s dress is a piece I found in SF when there was a buy by the pound place in the mission. Maybe I’ll wear it tonight to a friends birthday. I wore yesterday’s dress yesterday too. I had a great day with my friend and her baby daughter. Spending time with people who have babies makes me feel really clueless about what it really takes to raise a child. I was sure I was ready for it, but lately I don’t think I am. Trusting that the timing will be right, as it always is…but I don’t think I’ve felt so unprepared before. Keeping a human alive seems really hard, stressful, and tiring. And right now there’s a lot of quiet and peace. sometimes I don’t like that either, but I’m trying to appreciate it as best I can.