Today’s outfit is a vintage romper that I found at beacons closet. It’s not my usual style perhaps, but when I got it I was in a very addictive shopping mindset and i felt gravitated towards it. I wore it in my first date with Sam and I think he hated it. It was too red, and too out there. He didn’t tell me that night, of course, but I soon realized he wanted a more subdued style on a woman. I should have known then!
ive been doing a lot of should have knowns lately. It feels bad. I’m very hard on myself. The latest is a story of Chanel sunglasses.
when I was studying abroad in Paris in 2005, I heard from another student that we could use our European health benefits to get designer sunglasses. What? I thought she was kidding. She went on to explain that just as the benefits covered glasses, they also covered sunglasses. All you had to do was make an eye appointment, tell them your eyes hurt from the sun and you’d get your sunglasses, up to a few hundred euros. I began telling everyone about this. Shortly after that, I had my appointment, and got a pair of black Chanel sunglasses. Not only did I love them, but I loved the story of how I got them. It was so bizarre, designer sunglasses (about $300) being paid for by health benefits/government.
last year I was on pandemic unemployment assistance. I’ve been pretty open about it, and at times I’ve also been arrogant about it. I boasted about how the government was giving me so much money that I didn’t have to do anything for. I hadn’t even worked that much before Covid and wasn’t sure id be eligible. Every week more money would be in my account. I got used to it. I started buying myself some nice things on Poshmark, the second hand online marketplace. Since the sunglasses of 2005 were long gone, I searched for others. I found 2 pairs—one brown and one nude/beige. Chanel sunglasses with the Famous logo in mother of pearl. I paid $100 for each paid. I’ve worn them religiously since. yesterday I was on the beach by myself out here in longboat key. It was Halloween and I’ve been feeling like I need to talk to god more. I find god in the ocean sometimes. I wasn’t even planning on going in the water. I had my nude sunglasses on. I saw some pretty shells I wanted to take home for Isaac. I started calling out for god as I went further into the water. Soon I was swimming around and going into the waves. It was a few hours until I realized that my sunglasses never made it out of the water with me. I felt sad and furious with myself. Lately it seems I’ve made many careless mistakes I can’t seem to avoid. whenever I lose something I try to replace it. I went on Poshmark and saw that those sunglasses are now going for $350 which I can’t spend. I found a pair of Tiffany ones for $70 and bought those. But it still felt bad. so, for today, and going forward: god, please help me to let go of material possessions that are gone. What is meant for me will find me. What is gone is gone and not meant for me any longer. God, help me feel grateful for what I have and the gifts I’ve been given, including government assistance. Amen
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