Candy

Today‘s second hand dress is candy print by Nicole miller. I found it on Etsy and had to get the straps shortened (I’m so petite), but I like how it turned out. I’m bringing it to thanksgiving trip. Maybe I will wear it one of the days.

growing up, candy was an interesting topic. Maybe that’s the wrong word. My mother was and is still very into healthy eating. But when my sister and I were little, she basically banned sugar from our home. We would eat naturally sweetened things. I can’t remember all the details, but at some point I realized there was sugar out there and I wanted it. One year, my sister and I went trick or treating in our building and then had an early bedtime. When we woke up, our candy had been given away to older trick or treaters. We were upset. But I think I took it to another level when we would visit our family in Boston. My late auntie Nancy loved candy. She was an overweight woman her whole life, and while I will never know the root of it, she kept a lot of sweets in their home. I remember she would tell her daughters not to eat those sweets. She didn’t want them to end up like her I guess. It seemed to be a repeated trauma in the family. I’m sure I’d be the same if I hadn’t inherited some of my mother’s genes. I’m still shorter and curvier though. I began sneaking sweets from her house. In my underwear. I really can’t say why. It just occurred to me that I needed these things and I couldn’t have them otherwise. It might have begun a fascination with stealing and taking things I shouldn’t. I would even take hot chocolate packets and eat the powder. One time I took a shellacked gummy bear magnet of the fridge and tried to eat that. My cousin Caroline will never let me live that down. My favorite thing was fruit by the foot and any kind of fruit snack. I could eat those all night. I don’t have many good memories from those visits. They were complicated for me and I didn’t usually feel safe. There was a lot of yelling in their house. But the junk food was comforting and also gave me a project to focus on. i love fun prints on clothing. I like that it stands out too. This is a perfect example. I still enjoy some candy, but not as much as I did. I rarely buy it. my favorite combo is dark chocolate and peanut butter. And I like gummy bears and some sour things. I used to love doritos. My ex used to say things had a certain appealing mouth feel and I agree with that. This week there will be many pies at thanksgiving. I usually like a very small taste of a few things. But i‘m glad I don‘t have to steal junk food anymore. I’ll miss my family at thanksgiving this year. They might never come to it again. Both my siblings are married and have to promise the holidays to their in laws. I’m bummed about it, also because I don‘t have another family. I wish I did. I tried to. Last year I was sure I was meeting my new family. But then they told me they didn’t believe in circumcising and some other things. And I started to get the feeling that maybe it wasn’t the right fit. I pushed it away, of course. I don’t like to believe I deserve more. I can’t remember a lot about thanksgiving last year. I had a nice time, but now I kind of shudder when I think about it. They were not my tribe. They also LOVE dogs and I just don’t. So when his mother heard that I’m pretty sure she wrote me off. I’ve gotten better with dogs, but this one was large and jumpy and slobbery. I didn’t react so well. Tim had said we were definitely going to get a dog someday and I wasn’t thrilled about that. It’s weird when you have to adjust to someone else. I’ve never felt good at it. Maybe I’m supposed to be alone? I’m open to meeting someone, but not now. I have way too much work to do and can’t even think about making room for another person and their wants and needs. Nope. Can’t. but someday it would be nice to not lose myself again. And not want to lose myself again.