for a while now, I wake up with a lot of anxiety. Sometimes it feels crippling and I can’t handle waking up. I listen to a meditation or try to talk to myself gently. ive tried to distract myself. I’ve tried to block the feelings. But I’m learning to listen to it and see what’s at the root of it. I’ve discovered that the day feels overwhelming, especially if I don’t have a plan. but if I do have a plan, other worry thoughts crop up. Will the plan go well? Will I get there and back safely? Will I make a good impression? Will I cover up my face scabs well enough so I don’t look weird? Then I’ll think of something that’s upsetting to me, like losing stuff. Or spending more money than I would have liked. Or why I’m a failure. It’s rough. next weekend I’m taking ayahuasca, a bit outside NYC. I’m nervous about it, but I think it’s a logical next step in my healing. Part of it is sticking to a diet beforehand. no red meat, pork, shellfish, alcohol, dairy, sugar, or sexual release of any kind. No other drugs. At all. seems hard? Yeah, it is. It’s a commitment to the practice. I don’t like things like that. I like short cuts and easy way outs. but I’m seeing more and more that it only causes myself pain. No one else. I am continuing to see/meet family while I’m here in Florida. I have a few days left. Today I’ll see some Cohen cousins. Tomorrow another one. It’s still weird to me that I can get in a car and drive an hour to a family member‘s amazing waterfront home. and then come “home” to another family member’s waterfront home. I mean, come on. I know I am lucky. So why is this feeling so persistent? What does it mean? last night I went to a Shabbat service in longboat key. I was going to attend a different one, but the rain was heavy and I decided to stay close by. That meant an 8 minute drive as opposed to a 30 minute one. I got there and showed my vaccination card and went inside. I didn’t have a mask and eventually realized I was by far the youngest person there and the only one without a mask. I felt a little embarrassed but I was already sitting in the front. I knew all the tunes (reform) and sang loudly. There was a choir also. Afterwards, a choir member came straight up to me and complimented my voice and knowledge of the words. I was a little embarrassed, but also proud. She said whenever I return, I should sing with the choir. today’s dress is from a store in Budapest. It cost about $2. It seems to be a traditional garment. Like a dirndl I think. I had to wear something under it so it wouldn’t be too revealing. I chose a purple Uniqlo top.
I hope today is a good day.
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