Amends

Today’s dress is a shirt dress I found at a thrift store in Brooklyn. I put it in the wash and the white collar got blue dye on it. But I think it looks kind of cool this way. i was just on a meeting for sex and love addicts anonymous and wow, the shares were amazing today. I could relate so much to how this addiction affects every aspect of my life. i‘m also reading “women who love too much” and it’s incredible. It’s all so clearly communicated in the book. I know I can recover from this, but it’s very hard work. I know I’m not alone and yet it’s lonely. I know I can share my own strength and experience, but I’m scared to. ive made it to step 9 in the program. Out of 12. This step is making amends. I had been moving so quickly through the steps and when I hit this one, I froze. And I got upset with god. Why should I have to make amends, I thought. this stuff isn’t my fault! I’m the one who’s hurting here! But I took a step back and realized it wasn’t true. I have to make the amends to others so that I can be free. So that I can heal my heart. I need to make amends so that I can do things differently. I don’t know how all my amends will be received. But I know I am very loved and I will be ok. I made one amends and it has really improved that relationship. So I’m going to trust im on the right path. I hear my sisters in recovery talk about their spiritual awakening in the program. I want that. I want to work on my relationship with God. I want to see the positive and not the negative. Because it’s always there, staring at me. I get to stay in a gorgeous place for 18 days. God did that. I get to travel, meet new people, and write this blog every day for no money (yet). I am trying to do the work that I avoided for so long because I thought I couldn’t do it. I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t think I was worthy of a good and healthy partnership. I’ve been living in scarcity instead of abundance. I’ve been starving for love even though it’s given to me all the time. This is the work. And it’s time. I’m 38 years old and I don’t want to wake up at 40, 50, 60 and regret my choices.