What ye sow, so shall ye reap. We are what we think. When we think poison, we get poison. It’s so simple yet so hard to change. My mind takes me to dark places.
Yesterday I got an email from esalen, the institute I visited last December for a workshop. I loved it there and wondered what it would be like to live there. It’s very remote, not close to other towns. The internet is spotty. The email was about a program called REEP, or residential extended education program. It’s 3 months and you work on the grounds as well as on your own personal development. Having looked at treatment centers recently, this seems like a much better option. I need tools to live in the real world. I’d be cooking, cleaning, farming etc. i applied and I really hope I get accepted. Having been in nature this last week, I really don’t want to go back to city living. It’s just not for me anymore. I know it. I love my apartment, but I need a change. Let others enjoy it for now. So please, God, help me make this transition to a new opportunity. A new chance to be better. More chances to connect to the earth. The space to be myself and live authentically. I would share a room with someone and that also appeals to me. I’m tired of living alone. If this is meant for me, it will happen. I’d either do a road trip out there or I’d send my car out. That’s a problem for later anyway.
It’s Shabbat and my last 2 days in the Hamptons. I got invited to a Shabbat dinner tonight. I’m grateful to have a place to bring in a time of rest. I scratched my car, carelessly, but I’m reminding myself it’s ok and the car is fine. The car protects me and takes me where I need to go, safely. I will try harder to respect it and make better choices. I sit here, listening to the sound of the waves, looking at my tan body, and I know that I’m OK.
Thank you. I’m sorry. I love you.
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