Kids?

Today’s dress is a top/skirt combo. The top is Marc Jacobs and the skirt is a really old banana republic. It could be counted as vintage now. I think I got it in 2003. Bill Clinton was still in office and my parents took me to an Israel Policy Forum Dinner where he was speaking. I got to shake his hand, which was very exciting.

today I found out that one of my exes is going to be a dad. He and I dated 2018-9. I didn’t post much, because a lot of it was casual. I was addicted to him. It wrecked me a few times. I kept going back. But he wasn’t a bad guy in any way. it just wasn’t going to work. I needed to be back in meetings for sex and love addiction. He’s a native New Yorker and we had a lot of fun. We watched many shows and ate lots of veggie burgers (he doesn’t eat meat). I finally walked away from our situationship in June of 2019. A month later he met the woman who is now his wife and the mother of his unborn child. I sort of knew her from a club where a bunch of us went to eat Mac and cheese. The mac and cheese club. It was a thing before Covid. When I found out they were dating, I felt ill. Why her? Why not me? I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Luckily, I left them alone and didn’t say anything stupid, like I’ve done in the past. he even graciously offered to meet me to get some more closure. It was good to see him. He seemed so happy. I’ve watched their milestones on social media and I feel genuinely happy for him. He’s 41 and he deserves this life. as for me, I’m not sure what I want. I’m getting ready to start dating again, and I’m not looking forward to it. I haven’t dated in a year and I finally got to a place where I don’t need anybody. Another human in my life will take up brain energy and space that I’m not sure I want to give up. I’m open to it, but I’m going to be picky. I have to be. I’ve been burned and trusted people way too fast. I also really don’t know that I want to be a parent. It seems sweet in many ways, but it’s the biggest life change and commitment possible and I really like having my independence and freedom. My sister doesn’t have that now. I also don’t want to pass down my mental illness and other difficult traits. I can’t bear the idea of my child suffering as I have. Doing psychedelics have helped me come to accept that this might not be for me. I truly pitied women in my situation when I was younger. They can’t find a man, I thought. Something must be wrong with them. But society tells us that and it’s not true. I know many amazing women who aren’t married. And the ones who are married but don’t have kids are equally incredible. Life gives you opportunities and challenges. I have mine and you have yours. I’m open to anything. I’m not going to freeze my eggs. No thanks on that. if I’m meant to have kids, then I will. Amen.