SAD

Today‘s dress was my grandmother Margie’s. It’s old and not in the best condition. It also doesn’t really fit me. I didn’t inherit her bust. Team small boobs. It’s by the dress maker Sara Fredericks. I have to take more dress pics and right now I’m a little over it. I want to get to a year of this blog and I’m close. I need about 80 more dresses to get there and I think I can do it. I’ll get a little creative with some dresses I have in a duffel under my bed. But more than that challenge, I’m sad and I suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Weirdly, I prefer the darkness to day. Daytime feels intimidating like oh, what are you gonna get done today? And by night, the pressure feels lessened somehow. Yesterday was only mildly productive. I went into the city to meet with my new therapist. She’s great and takes my insurance which still feels impossible to me. no one decent has taken my insurance. I went shopping and used my food stamps to buy fancy seafood like fresh tuna and lobster tails. I’ve been on food stamps for years. I’m not ashamed of it. What’s a little bizarre is that I get a lot (for me, anyway) of money each month and I can spend it on whatever I want. I know I’m lucky and many people on it have to stretch it to feed their families. I get that. But it’s only me and what I don’t use gets carried over. So today I had $700 balance. Lobster tails it was. I’ve used food stamps to pay for groceries of every one of my relationships. No guys has turned it down and it makes me feel like I can contribute more. There were times I needed the money to last longer, but now with Airbnb I’m doing ok. I have reported it to the food stamps program but nothing changed. So that’s that. I came home, cried for a while, had my writing class and watched a few episodes of “the shink next door.” im writing this at 1:30 in the morning because I don’t want to wake up and have to write it then. Monday’s are also the worst. So, that’s what’s going on. I’ll be ok. I can’t be on meds right now because I’m going on another ayahuasca retreat soon, in Costa Rica.