RIP

Today‘s second hand dress is BCBG max azria. It’s a lovely dress, and I’d like to wear it again. today is a sad day. my cousin ziva paley was laid to rest today after a 6 year battle with pancreatic cancer. I wish I’d known her better, but what I did know was how happy she always seemed. She was always smiling. She was joyful. my own family is broken right now. My sister, who I doubt will even read this, is angry with me. It’s about Covid, of course. I didn’t tell her that I might have Covid. I saw her and the kids outdoors. I didn’t touch them. But she feels I put her at risk and could have destroyed her privileged bubble of safety. Maybe it’s true. Maybe my baby niece could die because of my negligence. How could I live with myself if that happened? But instead I have to live with the death of our relationship. I could apologize. I would tell her I’ll do things differently. But I know I won’t. This is who I am. Who I’ve always been. I’ve worked on many things to be a better person. But I would never endanger her or her kids and if she really doesn’t know that, then she’s not the sister I grew up with. The sister I love. This is sad. It is painful. Perhaps I shouldn’t be writing about it here. But this is real life. I got vaccinated. I’ve tried to play but all of her rules. But I can’t do it anymore. I am trying to live my life the best way I know how. I feel I’ve given a lot. I’ve gone to Brooklyn every single time and felt rejected in some way every time. It’s time for me to stand up for myself. For what I believe is right in this world. I hope one day she will see this. One day we will lose our parents. What will our relationship be then? I watched my cousins Amit and shimrit bury their mother today. meanwhile my heart breaks for what’s happening to me. And that is sad. I wish we could focus our energy towards love instead of anger and blame. But she can’t. So I move on and pray that god will soften her heart. Or mine. Or both.