50 and fabulous

Today was my friend’s 50th birthday. We became friends during the last year as we were on the same zoom meetings. She is very special and very loved. I’ve been in a spiral where I don’t always feel deserving of love. When she invited me to her birthday, I wasn’t sure I should go. I didn’t want to be a negative energy in the space. She assured me that was ridiculous. I left enough time to travel to her upper east side home from my place in queens. And yet, I sat on the bus for an entire hour, barely moving across the bridge. It felt like agony. I just wanted to get to the party. But I was powerless, a lesson I have learned. It was hard. I was pissed off about the inconvenience. I got to the party and saw plenty of people who I know. But I still felt like I didn’t belong. Lately I feel like I never belong anywhere, especially in my body. i feel so uncomfortable lately. I can’t eat well and I’m anxious. I chatted with some people and managed to get a bit of food into me. There was caviar, which was good. I listened to some of her friends toast her. It was beautiful. I looked at her life and thought, I’d love to have this at 50. All of it. And yet I know that nothing is perfect. But to have all the love of people she has known for just a few years…I think the pandemic made them all closer. I’m going to think about it for a while. What today meant. An old friend was there. She was actually my counselor when I was 16 and she was 21. Hard to believe. i had to leave and go to therapy. I cried, telling my therapist how hard it is to finally have to grow up. She thinks I have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). I agree. I’m certainly paying for it lately. The bell has rung for me and I must face the music. I don’t know what’s next, but it feels like the party is over. And it was a good party for a while. i don’t know what else to write today. I don’t want to continue to feel like a victim. I don’t want to feel so powerless. I know I’m loved and supported. But I’m also very scared.